Doesn’t matter

Harder to breath when memories flood your minds
I lost seconds and hours counting the unconsented touches
I lost the years blaming myself being born as female
I was in inexplicable rage for 20 years

I searched for ways to unite with my body
I tried to be at peace with misogyny
I was being patient as a victim

Doesn’t matter, I found out
Nevermind, they said
Move on, they pointed
Like everything is my fault
Like unwanted sex is part of normal life

I lost count of humiliation
I lost the time to become a woman
I lost the traces of self-confidence

I stop searching
I stop trying
I stop being patient

No longer sorry to be in anger
I am the effect, not the cause
NO more blaming my existence

Bogor, 26 Mei 2020